If you’re married, planning a wedding, or desire marriage/a long-term commitment one day, warning signs for divorce may be the last thing you want to think about. Dreaming up vacations, baby names, or wedding cake flavors is much more fun. Unfortunately, avoiding tough conversations will not prevent trouble from finding you. The truth is when it comes to signs that your marriage is in trouble, ignorance is not bliss.

Dr. John Gottman’s passion for healthy, lifelong relationships has led to decades of research about what kinds of marriages succeed, and what kinds fail. His work in the Love Lab resulted in an ability to accurately predict divorce in over 90% of couples, partially based on the presence of 4 communication patterns that are warning signs of divorce or as he calls them, the 4 horsemen. 

Before we go on, I must say, the emphasis here is on WARNING! Noticing that one or more of the horsemen are currently present in your relationship does not mean you are automatically doomed. Instead, it’s an opportunity to take heed of the warning and work together to resolve your concerns. 

Now that that’s out the way, let’s discuss the warning signs of divorce: The 4 Horsemen. 

First up….

Criticism. 

You may be wondering, why is this a warning sign for divorce?! if I never criticized anything my partner does (especially the things I find annoying, selfish, or even stupid), nothing would ever change! 

If this sounds like you, perhaps it would be helpful to know the difference between complaints and criticism. Let’s use an example:

Imagine your partner has a habit of leaving dishes on the counter, tables, and pretty much anywhere else besides the dishwasher where you have agreed they should go after each meal. After several weeks of cleaning up after them, you’ve had enough and decided to bring it up. 

A complaint may sound like this: “Please remember to put your dishes in the dishwasher after you eat. I don’t like coming home from work and cleaning up dishes from all over the house or worrying about attracting bugs.” 

Criticism, on the other hand, sounds more like: “ I’m so tired of being married to someone who is so lazy! Why can’t you put your dishes in the dishwasher like every other functioning adult? You just insist on disrespecting me by forcing me to clean up after you when I’ve worked all day.” 

Notice the difference? Complaints are about requesting a specific behavior change, while criticism is essentially a personal attack on someone’s character which actually takes the focus away from the behavior you want them to change. 

…do you see how months or even years of criticism could lead to a breakdown of your relationship? 

The next horseman and second warning sign of divorce is…

Contempt. 

Contempt involves one person seeing themselves in a superior light (better, smarter, neater, more loving, more thoughtful,  etc) than their partner and looking down on them. It’s a very serious form of disrespect and is actually considered the most harmful of the 4 horsemen. 

Contempt can show up as name-calling, mocking, belittling, and mean comments disguised as joking or sarcasm. 

This warning sign develops after a partner has likely felt unappreciated, neglected, or undervalued for so long that their frustration has evolved into contempt-filled comments. A serious culture change in the relationship is needed to undo the harm that has been caused once this warning sign has shown up. 

Our third horseman and warning sign of divorce is one we are all probably a little guilty of…

Defensiveness.

It’s a way of protecting ourselves from what we perceive as an attack from our partners. 

Defensiveness tends to show up in two ways, both of which can be detrimental and unproductive: 

Counter-attacking: “You’re mad at me for leaving dishes out?! What about your shoes being all over the place all the time!” 

Playing the victim: “You’re always picking on me! I guess I just can’t do anything right!” 

In both examples, the defensive partner avoided discussing the current issue (the dishes) and shifted the responsibility to their partner. 

When partners are repeatedly caught in cycles of defensiveness without accepting responsibility, nothing gets resolved which over time creates a strain on the relationship. 

And finally, number four…

Stonewalling. 

Have you or your partner ever completely shut down after a disagreement? You know what I’m talking about….you’re physically present, but mentally you’re in a completely different world. Maybe a world where you don’t feel hurt, disrespected, or lonely in your relationship. Perhaps you feel the only way to keep the peace (what’s left of it anyway) is to say as little as possible to your partner or avoid them. You become just as hard and cold as a stone wall. 

While you may (temporarily) avoid further inciting conflict by stonewalling, you are also avoiding your relationship which will not magically repair itself. 

Stonewalling contributes to emotional distance in the relationship which is why it is a key warning sign of divorce to pay attention to.  

If you’re reading this and feeling like your relationship is a lost cause take a deep breath!

Remember these are warning signs, not guarantees. Relationships can change for the better with the right knowledge, commitment, and support. 

If this blog post helped you or you learned something new, share it with a friend or let us know! 

We’d love to hear from you in the comments or on our social media. 

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