With the end of the year rapidly approaching, many folks are in a period of reflection and planning. This is the time you may find yourself revisiting your vision board or setting new goals for the next year. For some, that reflecting brings feelings of joy and accomplishment, for others regret or grief may come to mind. For most of us, I imagine we’re somewhere in the middle.

If love, sex, or intimacy goals are on your mind lately, this post is for you! Just as reflecting and setting goals for your career, health, and finances are important, so is doing the same for the intimate relationships in your life, including the one with yourself.

Unsure how to approach this type of reflection? No worries! I’m going to give you three check-in questions that you can use AND a handy resource to help. 

But first, why should you bother checking in or setting goals for intimacy in the first place? I’m so glad you asked! 

For one, intimacy can be easily taken for granted. We may assume that we know ourselves and our partner well or that we’re meeting each other’s needs. A simple conversation may reveal that there are gaps or areas where we’ve fallen out of touch. Some of us (AKA me) may be guilty of prioritizing close connections with others while neglecting our relationship with ourselves. The beauty of this Intimacy Check-in is that you can ask all of these questions of your partner and yourself. 

Also, the truth is, your relationships are impacted by the state of intimacy, whether you’re having conversations about this or not. Ever found yourself feeling burned out, annoyed, or irritable for no apparent reason? Ever felt distant from your partner even though you spend a lot of time together? It may be time to explore the deeper levels of intimacy, and how your heart is being fed or starved. 

I promise I’m getting to the check-in questions, but first, I want to help you make sure you can use them well.

Talking about intimacy, sex, and relationships can be hard, especially if you’re not used to it. It’s important to consider the timing, location, and methods you use to have an effective conversation where everyone feels heard and valued.

TIP: Depending on your or your partner’s personality,  asking “deep” questions during a random moment may make you feel ambushed or frustrated. Consider choosing a time together to go through the check-in questions. A time and place when you will be able to talk without distractions or interruptions is best. 

TIP: Be sure to practice giving yourself and your partner a LOT of grace and compassion. The point of the check-in is not to criticize, put down, or blame yourself or each other. Instead, the goal is to celebrate what has gone well and make a plan for areas that could be improved. Lastly, you may want to consider recording the responses or key points from your check-in so that you can be reminded of your goals and monitor your progress; The Intimacy Check-In can help with that. 

TIP: you don’t have to wait until the end of the year to check in about the state of intimacy. You can adapt these questions to use them at intervals that work best for you such as weekly, monthly, or quarterly. 

TIP: Remember, this is a conversation so allow for and ask follow-up questions. 

TIP: Be as specific as you can in your responses. For example, instead of saying “you loved me well by doing things for me”, try, “you loved me well by keeping up with my car maintenance for me. I felt so protected and cared for, and it took the burden off of me.” 

TIP: Keep in mind, you don’t need to be partnered to use this check-in. Ask yourself these questions as well.

Now, here’s the moment you’ve been waiting for: 3 check-in questions to reflect on and guide your goals for the intimate relationships in your life (including the one with yourself). 

#1: How have I loved you well, and how could I have loved you better? 

This tends to be a favorite among the couples I have worked with! It’s a simple way to express appreciation and articulate any unmet needs or desires in your relationship. 

#2: What do you like, love, and want more of in this relationship? 

You may learn something new about yourself or your partner with this question! Maybe more date nights, bubble baths, or time alone is in your future! 

#3: What would you like to start, stop, and continue in this relationship? 

Do you want to build an exercise routine, find a shared hobby, or save for a home? Have you been looking for a way out of morning sex, getting up early, or saying yes to everything? Have you recently noticed a trend that you’re enjoying and want to be intentional about going forward? This is the question for you (and your partner)! 

After the Check-in

The information you gain from these check-in questions is only as good as what you do with it. Some helpful next steps may be: 

• Use the Intimacy Check-in to record notes from your conversation. 

• Try adding some of the things that are going well or that you want to start to your vision board or goals for the future.

• Make a plan with yourself or your partner for how you will accomplish these goals and when you will check in about them again. What will you do? When? Where? How often? Are there any additional resources you need such as a therapist, a journal, a new gym, or a new bank? 

• Consider seeking accountability from others. Is there a parent, friend, faith leader, or mentor you respect who will be honest with you and support your intimacy goals? If you’re not quite ready to share with others yet, try some internal accountability through a service like futureme.org, which will email you a letter written by you, on a date you choose. You can schedule letters for different intervals of time to check in about progress regularly.

Remember, change and growth don’t happen overnight, so be patient with yourself and your relationship.  I hope you find the Intimacy Check-in useful in your relationship goals! If you do, feel me to let me know in the comments or email me at cee@ceethesexlady.com. I’d love to hear from you!